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day 12 (of 20)

April 13, 2017

lisa hammershaimb


  • Changed up one image and deleted one slide on the overall deck
  • Created a side-by-side layout with slides and text for the supervisor to peruse (this seems like a tiny nothing task but apparently because I have such epic images that were gargantuan in resolution…making an email appropriate file was basically the equivalent of trying to put on pants two sizes too small)
  • All can be seen here: Hammershaimb_IntroProposal_Presentation_NOTES

Today was marathon-length-work-meeting-Wednesday so once more process was squeezed in and around and mostly done in a mildly resentful spirit because I’m feeling tired and have been way too rushed these last few days and this lack of grounding is causing me to feel insecure about everything.

I met with the supervisor today for a check-in/debrief. He’s off to the other slide of the world (literally) so it was good to check in one more time. We talked presentation strategy and he gave me coaching on polite and appropriate ways to answer questions that I don’t know the answers to if I am asked. He reiterated that his role is to defend me and be on my side 1000% and the committee too (minus the external who is a wild card) is basically there to see me succeed. He also dropped what I am coming to think is the catchphrase for this short era of my life: “Remember Lisa, you’re the expert in this topic area.” In theory, I think this is a wonderfully empowering, beautiful thing to tell people who are in my position. In fact, I am sure I too have uttered it a time or two to others who were on the brink of defending. In theory, it makes sense as when you reach this point there’s basically no one who has studied this tiny facet of the world as I have and who is as vested in it as I am. That said, I honestly feel nothing like an expert and the whole word makes me get twitchy because it feels too heavy and hierarchical for right now. I don’t want to be an expert…I just want to be a doctoral candidate who still gets to live in the shelter of the “real” experts for a bit longer.

New plan: whenever I hear the phrase “you are an expert” I’m going to insert in my head the words “reluctant-yet-getting-there” as a prefix to the dreaded e-word. Way way way better!

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