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history repeating (or how I’m realizing the subtitle of this journey might be learning to wait)

March 1, 2018

lisa hammershaimb

And just like that…history has once again repeated itself. One year ago this month I learned the unfortunate truth that the person I thought could be my external committee member for my doctoral candidacy presentation was–because of circumstances out of my control–ineligible thus, my hopes of a March candidacy were gone. A March candidacy was basically what the previous nine months of my life were tracking toward so this twist was a bitter disappointment. Yesterday, I learned that the candidate I’d submitted many days ago (in order to avoid at all costs what had happened before) for an external examiner for my final defense was rejected due to her lack of experience and lack of publication record. Someday I know the irony of all of this will be humorous but not quite now. Not quite yet.

Once again, I’ve spent the past many months tracking toward an early spring final defense so I am well positioned to graduate June 2018. Once again, the perfect storm of events out of my control has hijacked my timeline. Once again I’m being told to wait, to consent to a very murky system that has now let me down repeatedly. Once again, I’m amazed at how visceral disappointment really is…the intense physical ache and pressure as I try to process it all. I know in the larger scheme something will work out, I will finish eventually, the pressure will dissipate. Right now it is the small daily of trying to stay positive and channel the energy of my own anger in a proactive as opposed to destructive pathway. Right now it’s working about half the time.

So now back to the theme which feels like its defined this journey even more than the actual research I’ve done or the theory I’ve created–waiting on things out of my control, opening my fists that want more than anything to grab and fight, and trusting that this indeed is a story so much larger than what I see from my own vantage point.


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