March 6, 2018
Convocation Countdown: 57 days
External Update: 0/2 on the first contacts; Currently waiting on two more
Not much to report today. Yesterday afternoon the (bad) news came that both potential externals who had been contacted last week had said no. In a flurry of paperwork, two more requests were going out. I know in the logical part of my brain that they said no most likely because of a timing conflict—are likely just too busy at what is nearing the end of term to take on another thing for a person they don’t know and a topic they’re only tangentially interested in. I know this in the logical part of my brain but the less logical part of my brain still takes over and it really hurts to be rejected. In truth, there was still apart of me that was holding out that one of them would have said yes.
Anyways…the nature of this whole thing is you hope and you work and then you wait because it is all out of your control. I am ready not to feel anything anymore because hope and pain are so tightly bound together. Yet, I still have this nagging feeling that if I check out in this process and let apathy win, I will miss something very important…I will stunt something good that is trying to grow and, for whatever perverse reason, needs this struggle to make it strong.
And so once again, back to staying awake to the process and the feelings…and so back to the beautiful, terrible blessing of being human.