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day 14 (of 20)

April 15, 2017

lisa hammershaimb

Some days you do a lot, other days you do basically nothing. Today was the latter. Though it’s tempting to feel stress and guilt and all the “what if’s” and “shoulds” because I am just one week until the official, official day, I’m actually 100% okay with accomplishing nothing today because….balance.

day 13 (of 20)

April 14, 2017

lisa hammershaimb

Products:

  • Two successful presentation run throughs to the parents. (My dad now has a million questions about what exactly I’m studying, what degree I’m getting at the end of all this, and told me it’s pretty amazing the wide wide open world of things I’ll actually be qualified to do in the not too distant future. Both my parents have begun thinking up both possible tough questions the committee will ask and also the appropriate ways I should answer. Related: I could not love these lovable weirdos more.) 
  • One successful presentation run through to the cohort. (First time presenting to actual academics and the verdict was overall positive! As these people know so so so so much, getting their affirmation makes everything feel more manageable and is a super good distraction to the crazy voices in my mind and the pulse of low grade anxiety that seems to have taken residence in my stomach. Related: doing life with a cohort really is the best way.)

Process:
Today was all about beginning the process of practicing talking these ideas out loud, in earnest. Somewhere between 16:30 and 18:00 is still a crazy long time to talk continuously but I think if I can keep doing it consistently (and multiple times per day) between now and next Friday I can build up a bit more endurance and confidence.

Perspective:
Today’s been a big, good shift in my overall outlook. Hearing praise on many fronts really helped bolster me. In addition, hearing tough questions that I don’t have the answers to at this moment was also a good wake up call as it’s giving me another thing to focus on that might take my mind off all the talking. Here are a couple:
Why am I excluding educators in fully online programs?
What’s my estimate of participants required?
What do all of my trustworthiness variables really mean?
Constructivism vs. Social Constructivism….which do I actually mean and why?

Good good stuff. Now time to figure out some good (and clever and grounded in actual published work and such) answers.

day 12 (of 20)

April 13, 2017

lisa hammershaimb

Products:

  • Changed up one image and deleted one slide on the overall deck
  • Created a side-by-side layout with slides and text for the supervisor to peruse (this seems like a tiny nothing task but apparently because I have such epic images that were gargantuan in resolution…making an email appropriate file was basically the equivalent of trying to put on pants two sizes too small)
  • All can be seen here: Hammershaimb_IntroProposal_Presentation_NOTES

Process:
Today was marathon-length-work-meeting-Wednesday so once more process was squeezed in and around and mostly done in a mildly resentful spirit because I’m feeling tired and have been way too rushed these last few days and this lack of grounding is causing me to feel insecure about everything.

Perspective:
I met with the supervisor today for a check-in/debrief. He’s off to the other slide of the world (literally) so it was good to check in one more time. We talked presentation strategy and he gave me coaching on polite and appropriate ways to answer questions that I don’t know the answers to if I am asked. He reiterated that his role is to defend me and be on my side 1000% and the committee too (minus the external who is a wild card) is basically there to see me succeed. He also dropped what I am coming to think is the catchphrase for this short era of my life: “Remember Lisa, you’re the expert in this topic area.” In theory, I think this is a wonderfully empowering, beautiful thing to tell people who are in my position. In fact, I am sure I too have uttered it a time or two to others who were on the brink of defending. In theory, it makes sense as when you reach this point there’s basically no one who has studied this tiny facet of the world as I have and who is as vested in it as I am. That said, I honestly feel nothing like an expert and the whole word makes me get twitchy because it feels too heavy and hierarchical for right now. I don’t want to be an expert…I just want to be a doctoral candidate who still gets to live in the shelter of the “real” experts for a bit longer.

New plan: whenever I hear the phrase “you are an expert” I’m going to insert in my head the words “reluctant-yet-getting-there” as a prefix to the dreaded e-word. Way way way better!

day 11 (of 20)

April 12, 2017

lisa hammershaimb

Products:

  • it. is. finished. (well…the first draft of the slides and the script, sadly not the whole shebang of the presentation itself but…baby steps.) You can view both parts in glorious black and white (and tangerine) here: Hammershaimb_SlidesandScript

Process:

  • Lots more sitting and telling myself I could not do other things until I finished for real, for real this stuff.
  • Reading through of the script with the slides to identify where holes might be or just when I seem to sit on a slide long enough to feel like one begins to glaze over in attention. I’m now at 41 slides in about 17 minutes of talking. This might be too blistering of a click pace but I think it’s okay as 80% of the slides are just pictures.

Perspective:
I’m feeling what almost might be a slight hint of excitement at this whole process as I am actually actually seeing the different parts come together. This might be because I’m also getting increasingly sleep deprived and suffering from a general lack of mental shut off time but either way…I think it’s a positive turn.

Tomorrow:
Practice. Practice. Practice.

day 10 (of 20)

April 11, 2017

lisa hammershaimb

Products:

Process:
Today was a long long day where once more presentation working was relegated to after hours. This makes for a tiring process but I’m hopeful the tired factor means I’m more creative + mellow.

Perspective:
Just about ten days to go. Yikes. I was hoping to be completely finished with the slides and onto memorization but alas yet again time and focus got the better of me. I think tomorrow will be the day for it all…maybe.

 

day 9 (of 20)

April 10, 2017

lisa hammershaimb

Products:

We have slides! (Well….version 1.0 that is yet to be complete but WAY better than nothing.) You can see them here:

Hammershaimb_IntroProposal_Presentation

Process:
It was a travel day which means process was late night after dark trying not to click too loudly to wake up my sleeping compatriots. I think the looming deadline is helping me move from wide open exploration to make-it-work mode.

Perspective:
Almost at the 10-days-to-go mark. Wow. I wish I was further along and already drilling on the speaking words part but I also think that my process has been very good so…I’m trusting that as I’ve done my part, hopefully the rest will fall into place.

day 8 (of 20)

April 9, 2017

lisa hammershaimb

Products:

  • Begin slide making in earnest (related: remember again what a nightmare it is as a designer to begin slide making)

Process:
The day off yesterday was amazing. I remembered how to not just be a mind that endlessly things things but to be a fully embodied human who has (dare I say it?) embodied cognition regarding just how to ski. It was fun and fabulous and so what I needed. Process today is trying to get back into things but secretly longing to be back to the freedom of snow, sun, and an empty head.

Perspective:
All of the above. Two weeks from today I will know either way the outcome of this madness. After yesterday…I honestly think I will be fine either way.

Tomorrow:
Slide making….all. day. long.

day 7 (of 20)

April 8, 2017

lisa hammershaimb

IMG_0532.JPG

And on the seventh day…I turned into an snow bunny and all thoughts of presentation stress and pedagogy disappear.

day 6 (of 20)

April 7, 2017

lisa hammershaimb

presentation_opener

Products:

  • Completed script 2.0 (after realizing script 1.0 was way way long). Though I will not say this is the final…I think at just over seventeen minutes in length this is well on the way to being the final. (Also, seventeen minutes of super syllabic words basically feels like an eternity.) You can read the new script here: Proposal_Outline_030617
  • Began work on layout ideas + iterations (see image above)

Process:
Today was all about sitting in the sun and writing. The good news is it was quite productive. The bad news is I have hands and wrists that look roughly like a lobster because apparently when one is in high country sun all day, sunscreen is the new hand lotion. Good. To. Know. Ironically the rest of me is fine. I know a “farmer tan” is a thing but I’m beginning to wonder if there is such a thing as a “writer’s tan.”

Perspective:
I am going to be saying A LOT of words in the near future. Though I routinely teach thus am no stranger to saying lots of words…these words feel much different and definitely way more loaded. I’m trying not to stress and not to think about/make these words defining me words but yeah…it’s daunting and I’m intimidated.

Tomorrow:

  • Maybe go skiing.
  • Definitely go see some art.
  • Oh, and talk the words…lots of times.

day 5 (of 20)

April 6, 2017

lisa hammershaimb

Products:

  • Completed script 1.0 and here it is: Proposal_Outline_030517!; Major celebrating ensues (*major celebrating is defined as going to sleep without an alarm set) 
  • Set a practice date for presenting to the cohort (7 days away!) as well as to the research lab (14 days away!) 

Process:

  • Mostly more of the same not-so-glamorous copy/paste and tweak and move and write and delete and re-write. I think it all makes sense in overall flow but will most likely run it through the post-it note wall test tomorrow to see how it all maps out.

Perspective:
Today there continues to be the  “are you excited?” and “how do you feel about it all?” questions thrown my way. Though I made up situationally appropriate responses each time, at the moment I honestly feel nothing which is nice. If I prod a bit I am pretty sure I can stir up some feels but at the moment…I think I’m totally good with blank.

Tomorrow:

  • (Maybe) map all the words out to check flow
  • Begin working on layout
  • Talk the words four times
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