history repeating (or how I’m realizing the subtitle of this journey might be learning to wait)

And just like that…history has once again repeated itself. One year ago this month I learned the unfortunate truth that the person I thought could be my external committee member for my doctoral candidacy presentation was–because of circumstances out of my control–ineligible thus, my hopes of a March candidacy were gone. A March candidacy was basically what the previous nine months of my life were tracking toward so this twist was a bitter disappointment. Yesterday, I learned that the candidate I’d submitted many days ago (in order to avoid at all costs what had happened before) for an external examiner for my final defense was rejected due to her lack of experience and lack of publication record. Someday I know the irony of all of this will be humorous but not quite now. Not quite yet.

Once again, I’ve spent the past many months tracking toward an early spring final defense so I am well positioned to graduate June 2018. Once again, the perfect storm of events out of my control has hijacked my timeline. Once again I’m being told to wait, to consent to a very murky system that has now let me down repeatedly. Once again, I’m amazed at how visceral disappointment really is…the intense physical ache and pressure as I try to process it all. I know in the larger scheme something will work out, I will finish eventually, the pressure will dissipate. Right now it is the small daily of trying to stay positive and channel the energy of my own anger in a proactive as opposed to destructive pathway. Right now it’s working about half the time.

So now back to the theme which feels like its defined this journey even more than the actual research I’ve done or the theory I’ve created–waiting on things out of my control, opening my fists that want more than anything to grab and fight, and trusting that this indeed is a story so much larger than what I see from my own vantage point.

 

2017 resolution 1: talk more words.

The end of 2016 witnessed a flurry of academic activity as I finished the year with both a (fairly) baked version of my dissertation proposal, and an approved committee!

Because the supervisor is a bit of a renegade (and I’m up for experimenting) we’re interacting with the committee in a somewhat different way than others in my cohort have done at this step in the process. Basically, my first meeting with my committee will happen this week and I’ll be doing a quick intro presentation of my research. This presentation will hopefully lead them to being deeply intrigued by my topic and deeply impressed by my professionalism/logic so the remainder of my candidacy will progress in a quick and painless manner and when they receive the written version of my proposal, their comments will be minimal. (I’m fully aware that none of these things may happen and indeed the complete opposite may be true but…the year is young so its good to remain hopeful!)

Below are slides and accompanying written narration which will most likely approximate what I’ll say in the actual, actual presentation. As usual, comments, suggestions, alerts to glaringly misspelled words, etc. is always welcome. You can also download a PDF version here: hammershaimb_introproposal_presentation.